This post is originally from February 9, 2017
Southern India is well known for its Ayurvedic Medicine. To be quite honest I don’t know a lick about it, but I have always had this philosophy that when I’m in a foreign country I should always try the local practices. So before leaving the beautiful village in Alleppey I decided to sign myself up for an Ayuverdic massage. I’ve been so excited to have a massage on this trip and have been talking about it for weeks. So yes please sign me up.
I get taken to this house in the village that serves as an Ayurvedic clinic and am greeted by a lovely older lady. She walks me through her house and takes me out to the back yard (this should be my first clue that this massage might not be all that I had expected). In the backyard another lady awaits behind closed curtains. This ‘room’ has a plastic roof that resembles a green house ~ so let me tell you that it is as hot as hell in there!! There is a long table that is covered in plastic and a stool sitting next to it. The lady tells me to take off my clothes. So I strip down to my bra and underwear and I ask her ‘my bra too?’ Yes she says ‘everything’. I tell her that I’m keeping my underwear on and she looks at me in utter disgust and clucks her tongue. She then asks me to sit on the stool. As I’m sitting there I notice that the curtains surrounding me have a massive gap so if there are any lookie loos, they are going to get a nudie show! I then notice that the massage table is just covered in ants…tiny little ants in swarms!!! I now realize that I’ve probably signed myself up for a once-in-a-life-time-not-so-great-experience…good one Halpern! As all these thoughts are running through my brain the lady comes up behind me and pours a bowl of oil over my head. An entire bowl…this is not good. As it drips down my face she proceeds to man handle my head like nobody’s business and I realize that my hair will never be the same…probably be a grease bomb for the rest of the trip! None of her methods feel good and my mind is racing. Oh god, what’s next? As the oil is running all down my body I’m realizing that maybe my underwear isn’t the best clothing option at this time. But if I’m not wearing them, then my naked ass will be sitting on this stool that is also crawling with tiny little ants. What do I do? She pulled at my underwear and yelled ‘off!’ Well fine then, I guess my decision is made – I’m going buck!
So I get up on this hard ass table and she asks me to lay face down. There’s no place to put your head so my face is literally being smushed face down against the table. I realize at this point just how big my nose really is! The amount of oil this woman pours on me is endless and I feel like she’s preparing me as the next meal! Now laying face down on a plastic table I am not only sweating profusely but also feel my body being exfoliated by the ants that are crawling all over my body. Her tugging and brutalizing me might have felt good in a normal situation but at 35+ heat in a green house, ants being smushed all over my body and about 3 liters of various oils, all I wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge!
The next thing I know she is down in my bum vicinity. Oh god – she then pulls apart my legs and she is sticking her hands in my crack. My entire ass from my ‘vagine’ to my ass hole is being severely man handled by this little Indian woman! Now at this point I have to go to my ‘ happy place’ in my mind where I can only think happy thoughts! 1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi! At one point because my eyes are closed she yells out ‘madame madame don’t sleep’. I’m not sleeping lady I’m just pretending I’m safe in my own bed!
Turning over while doused in oil is a feat in itself. I’m trying to use my elbows as leverage but oil on plastic = a human slip and slide. I feel like a large naked version of Bambi falling on the ice. The lady has to catch me and pulls me back on to the table. It’s a whole different experience laying face up…rather unnerving being totally naked. I feel completely exposed and hearing footsteps outside of the curtain makes me feel like I could actually be part of a peep show!
Again doused in more oil she rubs my boobs and then proceeds all the way down to my crotch. Seriously this has to be the longest hour of my life! It is impossible to keep my legs together because the oil on the plastic and my legs make for a seriously slippery situation! Eventually she says she is almost done but is going to give me a face massage. Oh no, not more oil!!! Squeezing my nose so I cant breathe is less than calming but I know that I am in the home stretch.
Once we are done I am literally dripping in oil and need to get some of the excess off before putting on my clothes. Not only do I need to remove the gallons of oil but I also have a million little ants stuck to my body.
The lady grabs a towel and starts to rub me down. She even rubs between my legs and when I started to laugh in embarrassment she says ‘you’re my baby’!
When I go over to put on my clothes I have yet another little surprise waiting for me. My clothes are now covered in a village of ants. Getting them out of my underwear is a challenge and I am afraid that I might have a guest or two staying in my ass crack after this is all said and done. Oh lord help me!
I ran back to the guest home and everyone thought I had been swimming. This is how oily I was! This massage was by far the most violated I’ve ever been. And I can safely say without a doubt that i will not be getting another while in India!
If you are interested in taking a tour that covers the places on my adventure check out G Adventures ~ Kerala Beaches & Backwaters
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